Practicalities
"You have been awake all this time?" he asked.
She nodded.
She must have been sitting there all night with her own thoughts, at the end of the futon, still wearing the navy robe he had bought for her. He recalled she was in exactly the same position when he had gone to sleep. She looked tired and troubled.
"Worried about Tomoe? I am sure she is on her way. I imagine she will come by sea and the wind has been against her for two days. She should arrive in a day or two."
"I am not worried about Tomoe." She would not look at him, perhaps she had been crying. He straightened slightly in the chair.
"You are worried about something?" She nodded. "Can you tell me?" he asked, shifting again nervously in his chair. The candle burned low and he could just make out her profile. He could feel her reticence, even though he could not clearly see her face. "The kage, he won't be here for a couple of weeks, I am confident of that."
She shook her head, "No....I trust you. I think there is time."
"So what keeps you up half the night if it is not the kage?" He regretted asking her the second the question had left his lips. He remembered his last words to her before he went to sleep. "What I said before about the robe, I was....." he could not tell her the truth, he had to create a lie, but he struggled to find a believable one. She saved him the trouble.
"I have not told you everything about the night I was attacked. Perhaps it is time you knew." She pulled her legs up to hug them with her arms, rocking slightly making herself small. He guessed the movement was involuntary.
"He did....." she stopped, dropping her head to her knees. Again he had a difficult time controlling the urge to go over and hold her.
"Do I need to know? If it is painful to tell me....perhaps it is better unsaid." He wanted to say she owed him nothing, he wanted to say he could not cope seeing her in pain, he wanted to say so much. And all he had said that night was an ill timed remark implying ownership. He had spent too many years in the company of men, soldiers. He had become crass and blunt, exactly like the men he was invariably hired to find.
She spoke, her head still lowered, forehead resting on her knees, "If we are to spend some more time together it is best there is nothing unknown. When the truth is left out, what remains is built on unsteady ground. I need to be able to trust you-"
"And you can, please, I know what I said earlier was, well, at best a lewd thing to say, but I swear I will never lay a hand on you, unless it is to defend your life." His voice was broken and rough and he was surprised by the emotion he felt.
She looked up, and quickly added, "I do trust you. I am the one who has not told you everything, who has implied I am something I am not. I am trying to right that wrong...I was going to say you need to be able to trust me. It will be hard to do that if I conceal an important fact."
"Okay." He braced himself, he could feel the tension rise, as if the room was full of energy and at any moment it would just explode turning them both into a million particles scattered and falling like stars.
She inhaled slow and deliberate and closed her eyes tightly, "He did take something that was not offered that night. The once. Before I got away. He was....not gentle, I was thrown up against a boulder. You can guess the rest."
He had to stand up and walk around the small room, anything to contain the anger he felt rising from the pit of his gut.
"Please," she said quietly, "please don't hate me for suggesting I was not....harmed. I had just met you, I was not ready to admit it myself."
He could not answer, his voice would betray his feelings, and he had done quite enough of that for one day. He continued to pace, until he heard her quietly crying. The sound tore at his heart and he sat back down.
"If we are to be here for two weeks, and any investment is made...emotionally, then it is important for me to explain what I have to offer is very little." She was almost whispering and yet every word was like a bell being struck.
He nodded. He knew she was looking at him, but he could not look at her. He felt he would cry out, reach for her and never let her go, keep her safe in his arms. But that was not practical.
"I want to learn how to fight against a katana. Will you teach me tomorrow?"
Again he nodded, and feeling all his resolve fall away he said, "The little you have to offer is more than any man deserves."
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